Shame and guilt often times are used interchangeably, however, they are two entirely different things. Brene Brown, the founder of the concept of shame and the Shame Resilience Theory, has created this theory to help people live their life through a whole hearted lens by following the 4 steps of building shame resilience.
What is Shame? What is Guilt?
Shame is the fear of disconnection. It is a deeply painful experience that we are somehow flawed, unworthy of love and acceptance. EVERYONE experiences shame, however, for women they may feel they must do everything perfectly and strive to meet unattainable expectations of who they are supposed to be. For men, for example, shame may come from a place that they must never be perceived as weak.
Guilt is feeling responsible or having regret for a perceived offense, real or imagined.
Guilt serves a social purpose in life. It drives us as people to apologize and avoid doing harm.
Shame serves NO purpose in life. It is only a form of suffering. Think of it this way, guilt is I did something bad or I made a mistake, shame is I am bad or I am the mistake.
Toxic shame leads to negative emotions and behaviors that are harmful to self or others. Some examples include, feeling unworthy of love, fear connecting with others because others may learn the real you and ultimately reject you, trouble forming and sustaining friendships and relationships, difficulty being honest in interpersonal relationships, feeling isolated, have abusive behavior or engage in abusive relationships.
Now that we understand shame, how do we overcome shame?
Overcoming shame is a daily practice that starts with practicing vulnerability. Wait What!? You’re asking me to be…vulnerable? Yes, that’s right. Connection is why we are here as humans. Through connection, we develop purpose and meaning in our lives and for connection to happen, we must be seen by others. That right there is vulnerability, the courage to be imperfect, to be seen, to practice gratitude, to lean into fear and discomfort, and to embrace oneself wholeheartedly.
Shame Resilience:
There are ways to become more resilient to shame. Brené Brown outlined four key elements:
- Recognizing, naming, and understanding our shame triggers
- Appearance, money, sex, body image, parenting, family, work, aging, religion, addiction, mental or physical health?
- Identifying external factors that led to the feelings of shame
- Awareness: Knowing something exists. Critical Awareness: Knowing why it exists, how it works, how society is impacts and who benefits from it.
- Three parts to moving toward shame resilience.
- Normalize (I am not the only one)
- Contextualize (I see the bigger picture) (Understanding the messages sent out are to hypnotize us, for example, Barbie dolls for young girls in the 90’s. The ideal that being super skinny with long bleach blonde hair and big boobs was a message sent out saying, “If you don’t look like this, you’re not beautiful and won’t find your Ken.”
- Demystify (I’ll share what I know with others)
- Connecting with others to receive and offer empathy
- What are the barriers to reaching out?
- What feelings do you experience when you reach out?
- Do you get relief?
- Is there someone in your life you feel comfortable reaching out to?
- Speaking about our feelings of shame with others
- Give a voice to the feelings of shame. Shame gets its power from secrecy.
If you feel that shame has ruled your life for long enough check out the following media avenues to further explore on your own. All of these recommendations are produced by Brene Brown.
- The Power of Vulnerability (YouTube)
- The Call to Courage (Netflix)
- Daring Greatly (Book)
- The Gifts of Imperfections (Book)
- Dare to Lead (Book)
- Rising Strong (Book)
- Braving the Wilderness (Book)
- Atlas of the Heart (Book)
- I Thought it was Just Me (Book)
- Men, Women and Worthiness (Book)
- Rising Strong as a Spiritual Practice (Book)
- Women and Shame (Book)
